Brunel Men’s 1s (5) vs Brighton Men’s 1s (0)
Thursday 30th March, 2017.

London is gone. The evacuation order was issued on the 28th, however few made it out alive. It will take some time before things go back to normal. The West London Varsity was always going to be vicious but nobody could have imagined this catastrophe. What should have been a day of friendly competition between two universities turned into an all-out war. Memes quickly turned into propaganda and citizens started picking sides, calling out prominent figures for their apparent lies despite nobody really knowing who was right or wrong. This was beyond sport now and the people armed themselves. The university teams had been caught up in something greater than a few matches outside in the fresh air but had no choice but to fight for survival in this hate-fuelled Armageddon by using anything that hadn’t been destroyed in the fires as weapons. 

The only people left were four men, all of whom looked like they had seen a ghost, sitting on the remains of Brunel’s astro turf around a torn, bloodstained hockey shirt. The first man was Ivan, now with a fresh scar across his face, looked up at the group and said “Chaps. I don’t know how this has happened. I just wish we could go back in time, before this all began”. Dan glanced at Ivan from under the saucepan that he had been using as a makeshift helmet and said “Totally! Remember the Brighton game a few weeks ago? All we did was play some excellent Hockey and prove to be the dominant side. I remember the first goal Ivan, a clinical finish from you after a devastating pass from Syuk…” Dan tailed off, remembering the sacrifice Syukran had made to save them all by fending off a pack of St Mary’s lacrosse girls with a snapped javelin. There was no way he could have survived, but he had bought the boys some time. 

“There was nothing we could do Dan. He made the choice on his own, just like everyone else did” said Ivan. after a few minutes of silence, the third man coughed as he accidentally inhaled some of the blood coming from the holes where some of his teeth should have been and said “I scored in that game”

“Shut up Garratt” said both Ivan and Dan, not bothering to look at him. Although his goal was an upright reverse piece of magic, they weren’t in the mood for him to recite the tale for the umpteenth time. “Overall the team effort was good” said Dan “especially the defense. Will was so happy to get his clean sheet.” Will had died in one of the fires early on, trying to save his complete set of signed Harry Potter books. The defense had gone down together. Whilst fighting their way out of intu Uxbridge the building collapsed after a well-placed bomb built by some Brunel designers and engineers exploded. Although there was friendly fire, many more St Mary’s soldiers were taken out.

The rest of the team fought in the final skirmish that took place at the sports park. They stood alongside Rugby boys, Netball girls and, surprisingly, computer science lecturers (It turns out they’re completely mental and showed no mercy on the battlefield). The ensuing violence was chaos and caused much confusion for both factions. Ivan, Dan and Garratt managed to save Lash who was taking on two basketball players at the same time with a large, stuffed parrot.

“I feel like my goal was similar to Ivan’s” said Lash, “all it took was a fierce counterattack and I just slotted the ball in. Dan,” he then turned to Dan, “You managed to get two you wiley so-and-so! Another goal as a result of brilliant hockey and a relieving recovery of a botched short corner. No wonder you got Man of the Match.” Dan grinned, however there was no mirth to be seen in his eyes. How could there be, after everything they had seen in the past twenty-four hours?

“I think we can agree that Brunel showed their true colours that day” Ivan said, “However, although we are the last four left, nobody was the true winner here”.

“Five” said a voice and the four lads whipped their heads around and saw John limping one-legged towards them and using a mop for a crutch. Nobody had seen John so they assumed he must have gone down with the others.

“John, you were terrible that week” spat Lash, “Every pass was off and you managed to miss several goals from less than five yards out! Even that short corner Dan scored was almost ruined by your injection!” John nodded and with a wry smile replied, “You almost got DoD to be fair, after having a cute little stretching session with a Brighton player off the side of the pitch” Lash chuckled half-heartedly, his eyes dropping to the floor.

After what seemed to be an hour of silence, Ivan decided enough was enough and said, “Shall we find some beer?” The lads looked at each other and all replied,


“Yeah why n-”

“Shut up Garratt”
The End
(This took way too long)


After driving around the Hertfordshire Uni car park for about 20 mins and parking for another 20 (Charlotte) we finally made it on to the pitch. 
We met a goal hungry Hertfordshire, currently second in the league after us. With a sharp attack Brunel went to all lengths to try and keep the ball out of the D, including kicking the ball and swinging sticks high resulting in a fair few short corners and bloody knees. 
Pandora was running their centre defence tired by constantly being everywhere and anywhere supporting the entire team which also gave her a well deserved man of the match. 
Yohanna managed to score, sadly on own goal rather than Hertfordshires 🥅 ❌
Although there were plenty of chances on goal we struggled to finish (that’s what he said) and finished the first half 0-2. 
A quick chat and some sweets later we were back for the second half but although we put up a great fight their attack kept putting pressure on and at the final whistle Hertfordshire was up 6-0. 
Man of the match: Pandora Vernon-Simpson 🐼


Ladies 1’s Vs LSE
First of all thanks to Patsy for stepping in for Dannii,

Also we had the return of Loz!
We actually did play really well but obviously we didn’t want to break our losing streak so kept the tradition up and lost again.
In the first half we had majority of the possession with LSE struggling to get it in their attacking third, Anya had a lot of runs up the right getting the ball up the pitch however the girls struggled to finish, we had way more goal scoring opportunities than they did tho and I think we had 3 or 4 short corners, whereas they only got 1 and scored from it so I’d say we were quite unlucky with the result. 
The highlight of the game though has to be when one of the refs absolutely stacked it, unfortunately for me though it looked like it was my fault, he said he was alright but he was obviously still holding a grudge because about 10 mins later he sent me off 
Fleur also got carded and so did two players from the other side so it was quite eventful,

Darcy had a lot of good runs and surprisingly kept her cool, but she did end up pulling some blonde girls hair at one point haha 

Also somewhere in the second half Heidi threw herself on the floor and she screamed that loud it was like her leg had come off, she soon recovered and tbf she does have a miniature bruise to show for it now 
Overall it was a really good game and I’d say it was a solid performance from everyone but now I think we’re relegated
M.O.M= Anya


With Loz being unable to play due to a trip to a stroke unit (surely our position at the bottom of the league is a more serious issue than saving lives?), Ashleigh stepped up to join the defence. 
Brunel started off strong with the ball hardly leaving UCL’s half for the first 10 minutes. A rowdy home crowd and frustration from events proceeding the match gave us the determination to make this game our best yet. We were able to maintain possession with the midfielders working well together, dominating our opponents. A strong drive into the D from Darcy resulted in an early goal. 
Brunel retained the majority of the possession for the remaining half, with the ball entering the opponents D only a handful of times. UCL struggled to get the ball past the solid wall of the back four, however with Amelia stacking it over thin air and hitting herself in the face, UCL had a chance to break through. In spite of this, they were unable to put it away as Dannii was on fire yet again. 
UCL began to step up and put more pressure on our players. I then had a Cinderella moment, losing my shoe mid-tackle, putting myself in strong contention for Dick of the Day. Regardless of our efforts and 2 short corners, we were unable to score again during the first half. 
With a motivating team talk from our coach and captain, we began the second half with high spirits. 
No amount of sweeties was going to put Darcy in a good mood, leading to her throwing herself on the floor and screaming in attempt to stop play when the ball entered our D (the umpires must have decided that she needed a stiff drink, so ignored this and let play continue). Shortly after, UCL scored from a short corner brining them level with Brunel. 
Darcy narrowly escaped a yellow card from flooring an opponent, consequently having to leave the pitch for 2 minutes. With one player down, UCL were able to press and create more options for their forwards. However, the solid back four yet again were determined to keep the ball away from Dannii. Unfortunately, UCL scored from a short corner taking them into the lead. 
Fantastic communication and play between the team meant the ball was in our opponents D yet again but the forwards struggled to finish. With another short corner awarded, Heidi took a strong shot at goal with Steph scoring off the goal keepers rebound. 
On the final whistle, Ashleigh could not contain her excitement from our first ‘win’. Little to her knowledge we drew 2-2 and it was Anya’s job to burst her bubble. Despite this, Ashleigh was still on cloud nine as this was the first point that the ladies 1s have won in over a year, and without a doubt the best match that we have played this season. 
MOM: Chow

DOD: Hannah


Kent Men’s 1s 7 – 1 Brunel Men’s 1s
Oh boy.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

This was definitely not our week. On one hand, Ben and Jerry’s were happy that sales had gone up this week in order for Brunel 1s to cope with such an unfortunate pair of results. On the other hand they were concerned that they would run out of stock being supplied to the UK. Imagine that Uxbridge had been transformed into a sweet, delicious ice cream wonderland with a strong underlayer of self-loathing and regret.
Anyway let’s get this over with.

After travelling for what can only be described as too long on a minibus to Kent, the team tried their best to look sharp and get their heads into the game. There was a slight adrenaline rush already after David’s attempt to *ahem* park the minibus so the warm up seemed to show that we were ready to crush and humiliate Kent in front of their crowd of supporters. If only that were the case. 
Now, I could go through a goal by goal report but I don’t have the memory or emotional endurance to write a match report that long without going through about three emotional breakdowns while constantly listening to The Smiths. Here’s how the first half went. It started well for Brunel, we didn’t give Kent an inch but they didn’t hold up either so there was no clear dominant force for about ten minutes. The first goal was then scored from a deflection into the back of the Brunel goal, causing our resolve to crumble. Our movement was a consistent as treacle, failing to give the already- weakened defence (thanks to Chadders trying to headbutt the ball the day before) any option for an outlet. Chris was so infuriated his voice went above an ear-splitting 10 decibels. Another two goals were conceded, leaving Brunel down three goals by halftime.
After a motivating talk by stand-in captain Ivan, Brunel stepped back onto the pitch to give Kent a bloody nose. We then proceeded to dominate in possession and looked threatening in attack, however we couldn’t put our chances away. Shall we investigate why? Was it due to the strong performance by Kent’s defensive line? Was it because of Brunel’s excessive dribbling or lack of movement? Or was it, most likely, due to the presence of John who, that night, displayed a form of hockey that embodied every single type of cancer combined? Seriously, it was as if he didn’t have any limbs. He might as well have been the pencil used to fill in the match sheet. 

John, sort your life out you donkey.

We conceded I think another two goals before we managed to score from a short corner. I can’t remember who it was but you did a great job! John, why can’t you do that? Then Kent got another goal and Will was about to snap his stick after he practised his swordfighting on the post.

At the end of the day, Brunel were definitely the second best team, however it’s not surprising if you’re made to sit on a minibus for nearly three hours for an 8pm pushback, playing with a team of nearly all freshers and second years without their captain against a full team of sixteen. Coming from DoD: I believe we can be proud of the effort we put in this week despite our results. We just need to forget about it, have a relaxing Sunday and start again on Monday. Keep up the good work lads.


The match started off quickly with Brunel pressing the opposition causing a turn over. After some quick passing through mid-fielders Toby and James, centre forward Sirtaj received the ball in the opposition quarter. Through luck and skill he managed to beat the Middlesex defenders and scored the first goal of the match. The Brunel team, impressed they had actually scored a goal, quickly had their dreams of an easy game dashed with the opposition centre forward dribbling down the middle of the pitch and scoring. The game continued with both sides having meaningful attacks. After this period of tense play the next goal came from a short corner, centre Mid Toby fooling the defenders with a lovely pass to Alistair who clinically swept the ball into the back of the net. Middlesex then began a series of attacks with the Brunel team barely able to repel them. A break in play came from a green card for the Middlesex left mid for physical play. Brunel failed to capitalise on the advantage and remained in their half for the rest of the half eventually conceding from a free hit.
The second half began with the Brunel defence being shredded by two lighting attacks from the Middlesex attackers, both attacks being successful putting them 2 goals ahead. After this humiliating turn of events the Brunel team rallied with solid attacks down the right wing resulting in a number of short corners. The game progressed with both sides reeling from multiple quick attacks but none being successful. The game ended a disappointing 4-2 to Middlesex and a long journey home for the Brunel team. 
MOM: James

DOD: Guy


Brunel 1s 0:2 LSE 1s
The first cup match of the season, the second trip to LSE and the third time we’ve lost…

After the long team tube journey and picking up a few stragglers on the way, Brunel were ready to take on LSE again but this time in a cup match. The first of many things to go wrong for Brunel was the discovery of the stinking unwashed kit, but this did not get our heads down. We covered ourselves in body spray and stepped out onto the famous pitch once more. 

A good warm up but us in high spirits for the game ahead but we soon noticed the lack of one umpire. LSE blamed us, we blamed them… the only umpire didn’t care whos fault it was but refused to umpire alone meaning Brunel lost their captain to the whistle and the game commenced with Brunel playing under protest.

Brunel pressed high in the LSE D but we just couldn’t finish (like most of the boys in Brunel Hockey too). LSE attacked back, entered our circle and after lots of scrambling around on the floor from Patsy, I wrongly awarded a goal to LSE. 0:1 at half time. It was then stick tackles galore as Brunel fought back hard, some a little too hard as Heidi was awarded a green card for a swinging stick. 

Half time sweets and the arrival of another umpire kept our heads high in the second half but LSE were strong too as they scored a second goal. We kept it together and gave the best performance we have all season but it wasn’t meant to be. Final score 0:2 to LSE.
MOM: Chow 

DOD: Ashleigh