Kent Men’s 1s 7 – 1 Brunel Men’s 1s
Oh boy.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

This was definitely not our week. On one hand, Ben and Jerry’s were happy that sales had gone up this week in order for Brunel 1s to cope with such an unfortunate pair of results. On the other hand they were concerned that they would run out of stock being supplied to the UK. Imagine that Uxbridge had been transformed into a sweet, delicious ice cream wonderland with a strong underlayer of self-loathing and regret.
Anyway let’s get this over with.

After travelling for what can only be described as too long on a minibus to Kent, the team tried their best to look sharp and get their heads into the game. There was a slight adrenaline rush already after David’s attempt to *ahem* park the minibus so the warm up seemed to show that we were ready to crush and humiliate Kent in front of their crowd of supporters. If only that were the case. 
Now, I could go through a goal by goal report but I don’t have the memory or emotional endurance to write a match report that long without going through about three emotional breakdowns while constantly listening to The Smiths. Here’s how the first half went. It started well for Brunel, we didn’t give Kent an inch but they didn’t hold up either so there was no clear dominant force for about ten minutes. The first goal was then scored from a deflection into the back of the Brunel goal, causing our resolve to crumble. Our movement was a consistent as treacle, failing to give the already- weakened defence (thanks to Chadders trying to headbutt the ball the day before) any option for an outlet. Chris was so infuriated his voice went above an ear-splitting 10 decibels. Another two goals were conceded, leaving Brunel down three goals by halftime.
After a motivating talk by stand-in captain Ivan, Brunel stepped back onto the pitch to give Kent a bloody nose. We then proceeded to dominate in possession and looked threatening in attack, however we couldn’t put our chances away. Shall we investigate why? Was it due to the strong performance by Kent’s defensive line? Was it because of Brunel’s excessive dribbling or lack of movement? Or was it, most likely, due to the presence of John who, that night, displayed a form of hockey that embodied every single type of cancer combined? Seriously, it was as if he didn’t have any limbs. He might as well have been the pencil used to fill in the match sheet. 

John, sort your life out you donkey.

We conceded I think another two goals before we managed to score from a short corner. I can’t remember who it was but you did a great job! John, why can’t you do that? Then Kent got another goal and Will was about to snap his stick after he practised his swordfighting on the post.

At the end of the day, Brunel were definitely the second best team, however it’s not surprising if you’re made to sit on a minibus for nearly three hours for an 8pm pushback, playing with a team of nearly all freshers and second years without their captain against a full team of sixteen. Coming from DoD: I believe we can be proud of the effort we put in this week despite our results. We just need to forget about it, have a relaxing Sunday and start again on Monday. Keep up the good work lads.


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